The fight inside me continues while I’ve been trying to land my soul and adapt to my new old life again.
Almost 2 months have past after my return but I still feel that the second person in me is not happy.
I believe as a Leonardo trainee I’ve lived all the phases and challenges I was entitled to. Also these times of changing are part of a bigger process.
Thousand ideas cross my mind but at a point I realized I was again driven away by the unsenseless rhythm of work routine…I tried to open so many doors at the same time that I almost forget to breath… A wise decision came then into my mind reminding me how time for reflexion was so important and significant during the 2nd semester of 2006 while living in Italy.
Somehow now I miss that state of mind and life quality where I could be in constant contact with nature, where I had time to cook my meals, where I could sleep, read and relax.
So in these 2 months I was almost jumping off the cliff, getting edges way from my alchemist mission in pursuit of a deepest way of being happy, and substituting my deepest thoughts and feelings by my usual spirit “everything is all right” and “I can adapt to it” philosophy.
Then I realized I was returning to the same nightmare that made me want to go to Italy, and how much decision is a missing process in my life. I’ve been living happily with things that appear on my way but hardly closing past doors or the ones that I cannot enter, as I cannot cross them all at the same time…
That made me sit down again with some of my phantoms, but out of these complex conversations I understood that they are becoming more friendly and fun. Maybe I can already say that they are becoming my spiritual guides!!!
They are helping me to understand how much in fact I did learn in the last year, how much can I do with my recent achievements, how much energy and happiness I carry with me everyday and that I shouldn’t try to make all changes at the same time because it’s not only extremely tiring but also there are some changes that you just have to let them act in yourself.
Here is a list of how many things I’ve done in 2 months after my return:
-got back to my old job at my youth association but changing roles now I’m using my public relations degree to establish a new communication strategy for Rota Jovem, I’m coordinating the team that will organize the 15th Years of the Association celebrations, I’ve used Open Space Technology in one meeting, I’m delivering some predeparture, onarrival trainings for Leonardo trainees and European volunteers, and I’ll be assuming gradually the coordination of EVS projects in my organization;
-looked for new job proposal and got it and then I had to decide what to do if changing or staying;
-I’ve had the opportunity to develop my personal development project cooperative or company, still evaluating pro’s and con’s of both options. Look for financing and partners that would like to do it with me.
-I’ve participated in a training of Indian Head Massage, so after some practice, I’ll be able to work professionally with this.
-I’ve participated in training course for Laughter Yoga facilitators, which is now giving its first steps in Portugal, so I felt somehow like a pioneer and now I’ve to decide how far do I want to go with this but it seems its going to be one of my priorities.
-I’ve returned to my reiki sharing sessions and I’m starting some classes for I’d like to use it in a deeper way with other persons
-I’ve returned to my hidrogym classes, I’ve to confess that I became a fan of the Italian method.
-I’ve done some serious research and reflexion about moving into Lisbon but I decided its not a priority and so future will tell.
-I got a new laptop and now I’ve wireless internet from home which eventually will ease my comunications and contacts worldwide.
-And on the end of February I’ll do a presentation in my organization about my experience in Calabria, I’m starting to prepare it…
Am I crazy or what? Can I work more? Is this normal? Why do I have so many interests ? What do they mean? Why I cannot dive into one ocean and feel it as mine? Why do I fear my decisions?
The main reason I fear is because I’m afraid of being free!…
Stability versus Liberty is one of the main dilemmas of humanity, but it has been one of the main ones in my life… Never truly feeling none of the extremes, but maybe the solution is about being happy by balancing these ideal situations… But then if its.. why in hell do I not feel happy ?…
Objective for 2007 is to be free of complexity in my mind and crazy daily routine rythm !!!
Bye Bye Brad Pitt, hello Edward Norton…
Love
